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AACC Conference Pre-conference Grace Together and Loyal Love: Marital Renewal Models for Counseling and Ministry

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5 Myths about Sex

Myth #1: Sex is pornography

Eroticism is everywhere. Erotic art has existed since ancient times, and archeologists have unearthed numerous ancient artifacts such as sculptures, engravings, paintings, and pottery depicting sensuality and sexual encounters. However, much like Hollywood movies, pornography may be inspired by reality but usually has little resemblance to it. It is not surprising that viewing pornography has contributed to unrealistic expectations about sex and body image insecurities. After all, actors and actresses in erotic videos have also been chosen for their good looks and follow a script. People who often use pornography usually report less sexual fulfillment and require more stimulation, resulting in frustrating sex lives.

Myth #2: Sex is automatic

Recall a scene from any show you have watched that involves romantic sex. He looks into her eyes. She looks into his eyes. No words are exchanged, clothes are on the floor and both partners are breathing heavily in bed, automatically knowing what to do to smoothly engage in satisfying lovemaking. That’s the movie magic that directors would like us to believe. Reality is usually a lot less automatic. Unless you are asexual, for many people, sexual urges come naturally. However, what happens before, during, and after the act is rarely automatic, and requires thinking, communication, and coordination between partners so that the sex is mutual and satisfying.

Myth #3: Sex is shameful

This is an unfortunate myth that features heavily in many cultures where sex is often a topic that is avoided. Privacy is important and should be respected, but in many families, sex is not talked about. If it is brought up by children, adults talk around it and use images like “the birds and the bees”, or tell stories about the stork, and the child ends up confused. Sensing the avoidance, when children grow up, they often turn to other sources of information such as the internet or their peers for their “sex education”. The sense of secrecy contributes to the feeling that sex is taboo. It is sad to think that after getting married, a young couple who feels anxious and confused about what to do in bed may not have mentors to turn to for advice on a process that is so critical for building intimacy.

Myth #4: Sex is ultimately about achieving simultaneous orgasms

This is a myth that largely comes from watching erotic films and pornography. Sexual release comes in many forms and differs for males and females. However, despite popular belief, satisfying sex does not always mean that both partners achieve orgasm. Various factors like arousal, environment factors, activity levels, health, stress, and hormone cycles can affect a person’s ability to sexually climax during sex. In addition, the sexual organs of males and females are different and respond differently to touch and stimulation. For example, for some women, it is physically not possible to have orgasms through vaginal stimulation, but they may easily have an orgasm through clitoral stimulation during foreplay or other forms of pleasure. Having satisfying sex may not even require both partners to orgasm during sex, and turn-taking can also be a strategy for some couples with different paces of arousal.

Myth #5: Sex needs to be all night long

The longer the sex, the better the experience. Popular culture has inadvertently promoted this myth by saying that the longer a person can last in bed, the better their sexual prowess and ability to please their partners. Yet the lack of time and energy are among the top reasons listed by couples when asked about the greatest barriers to having sex. Just like how every person has different levels of stamina and energy, the length of sex depends on the couple. It can be influenced by their age, life stage, and situation. There is no fixed duration to determine what is the best or ideal. In fact, 7-13 minutes was found to be a commonly desired duration of sex. Good sex is not necessarily longer, and couples should invest time into finding out their “sweet spot” for the frequency and duration of sex.

SPICE up your Sex Life

So what are the 5 key ingredients that couples need to enhance their sex lives? 

Adding SPICE – Security, Presence, Intimacy, Communication, and Emotional bonds – to the relationship will add depth and dimension to sexual interactions, just like how spices boost flavor. Practicing the five principles below will help you and your partner enjoy sex with each other – and as the saying goes, “practice makes perfect!”

Security

A strong sense of safety is necessary for sex to feel real and creative. Sex that is separated from a human relationship can feel cold and empty and isolate people instead of bringing them closer together. Humans are made to bond with people that they trust, and sex is a powerful expression of that bond. Feeling secure with trusted partners provides a safe base for exploring and enjoying sex. People with a single, long-term partner often report higher levels of sexual satisfaction. A secure bond means less anxiety about your performance being judged by your partner in bed and opens up more pathways for experimentation and expression based on each other’s needs. For example, would you even consider bungee jumping if you were not hooked up to a secure safety line?

Presence

If you find yourself drifting off or getting distracted by other matters during sex, chances are that your enjoyment will be greatly reduced. Sex requires a great deal of physical, emotional, and mental coordination. Being present in the moment is key to being attentive to the sensations in your body. Observing each other’s non-verbal body language for clues is only possible when all the senses are engaged in being present in the moment. Responsiveness to clues helps each partner feel more sensitive and attuned to each other and turns on the sexual accelerator. Practicing mindfulness activities is one way to build up your skills in being present in the moment.

Intimacy

Sex is not just a series of techniques and mechanisms. Nor is it merely about procreation and recreation. A sense of closeness and intimacy is a hallmark of many successful marriages. This is developed through the process of reaching out to each other, repairing the hurts from inevitable conflicts, and falling in love again. This process looks different for every couple, and even each partner goes through the process differently. Growing intimacy through time helps couples learn that while passionate love cannot be constant, it can be constantly renewed. Intimate companionship is the result of understanding and tolerating differences in sexual desire and being willing to put aside personal needs to reach out and affirm to the other partner that the journey will continue and get better in time.

Communication

It is not surprising to hear about research that has linked the success of a sexual experience with how well a couple rates their communication. Couples who have spent more time together and have learned how to cater to each other’s communication styles develop a sense of teamwork that is important for good sex. Sharing sexual needs, interests, and desires openly helps both partners feel more willing to try new things. Talking about likes and dislikes in a loving and caring way reduces the anxiety of second-guessing. Of course, even the best communication does not mean that outcomes are guaranteed. It is important for partners to keep communication channels open with a sense of playfulness, curiosity, and acceptance, especially in bed!

Emotional bond

Sex is emotion in motion. Often, how you express emotions is how you engage with and attach with others in and out of bed. Strong emotions, attachment, and sex are intertwined, and the quality of our relationship interactions is often shaped by our emotions towards our partners. Outside the bedroom, building strong emotional bonds will contribute to higher sexual fulfillment in bed. Especially for women, emotional safety is a critical element that promotes sexual desire and arousal. Emotional bonding does not automatically happen in the absence of conflict. Intentionally engaging in activities that foster emotional connections, such as nurturing conversations and date nights, will positively impact your sex life.

There’s no need to wait to SPICE up your sex life! Grab your loved one and make a date to try out activities like “Sensate focus” today! (https://dev-charis.regent.edu/sensate-focus/)

The post 5 ingredients for Sex that can Spice up your Marriage — by Joyce Tan appeared first on Charis Institute.

Another way to probe why mealtime is important is to explore what it does for the family unit, as well as the individuals within the family. In other words, what are the benefits conferred to the family as a whole, as well as the members of the family, from consistently partaking in family meals that are positive experiences?

Connection and Empathy

One of the greatest benefits of a positive family meal for the family unit is the increased connection, empathy, and subsequent togetherness. The food itself is important, (make sure it is good:) but not the supreme ingredient for actualizing a successful family meal. Fishel (2015) is clear, “The real power of family dinners comes from the particular quality of conversation around the dinner table. Unlike talk we have during carpool or while tucking in a child at bedtime, conversation at the dinner table is likely to be linguistically complex, cognitively challenging, and very engaging” (p. 8).

Great conversation demands rich connection because it requires cognitive and emotional involvement from all participants, but also builds connection as “families who eat together most nights know what is going on in one another’s lives” (p. 20). Additionally, a precondition for quality interpersonal conversation is that the listener engages the speaker via the giving of their attention. The distracted self is physically present, but psychologically absent. Conversely, being present in face-to-face conversation is “the most human- and humanizing- thing we do.

Fully present to one another, we learn to listen. It’s where we develop the capacity for empathy. It’s where we experience the joy of being heard, of being understood” (Turkle, 2016, p. 3). It is the listening characterized by curiosity and emotional attunement, (Fishel, 2015, p. 8) as well as the psychological incarnation in connection that makes empathic mutuality and unity among family members especially salient in family dinners. Family dinners that are successful therefore help the family members live out the exhortation in James 1:19, “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (ESV) because they demand good listening skills, patience and emotional understanding, and an edifying word selection.

Positive Outcomes

The empirical research has found other positive outcomes of family meals (i.e., dinners) that will briefly be presented. Family meals:

*Mitigate adolescent problem behaviors: Fulkerson et al. (2010); Neumark-Sztainer et al. (2008); Sen (2010) are studies, after controlling for other factors that could confound the results, (e.g., degree of family cohesion) that “linked regular family dinners to lowering the frequency of several high-risk teenage behaviors such as smoking, binge drinking, marijuana use, violence, behavioral problems, eating disorders, and early teen sexual activity” (as cited in Fishel, 2016, p. 516).

*Bolster mental health: Eisenberg et al. (2004), a study of ethnically and socioeconomically diverse teens from an American city found that “frequency of family meals was also associated with lower rates of depressive symptoms and suicidal ideations, even after controlling for variables such as family connectedness” (as cited in Fishel, 2016, p. 516).

* Increase school performance: Hofferth and Sanberg (2001) found school-aged children also derive intellectual benefits from family dinners. Regular mealtime “is a more powerful predictor of academic achievement than time spent doing homework, playing sports, or making art” (as cited in Fishel, 2016, p. 515). CASA (2007) concluded “adolescents who dined with their families five to seven times a week were twice as likely to get As in school compared to those who ate dinner with their families fewer than five times a week” (as cited in Fishel, 2016, p. 516).

*For the Fathers: Kim (2017) found that family meals were positively associated with time usage and life satisfaction of fathers with children less than 18 years old, specifically if they spent 40 minutes or more at mealtimes. This study specifically studied the father, although it would be interesting to see if this finding extrapolated to the mother. Based upon the body of research on family mealtime presented throughout this blog series, there is no good reason to think these benefits wouldn’t apply to women, as well as parents who have kids older than 18.

Value Transmission

Arguably one of the most important aspects family meals provide parents is the ability to transmit a coherent belief and value system to their children, and the children benefit because they receive a cogent worldview from this intentional impartation of values and beliefs. Proverbs 22:6 instructs parents to “raise up a child in the way they should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (ESV).

Family meals are an excellent means to practically and unwaveringly, during the ebbs and flows of life, implement this exhortation. This is because family meals serve as an explicit arena for value transmission. Fishel (2015) tells us how, “Food is to families what sex is to couples, what a sandbox is to children, or what music is to adolescents. It’s a medium of play- a way for families to have pleasure with one another while expressing their values, roles, hopes, and identities” (p. 7-8) through the meaningful conversations that occur at the table.

The food provides an atmosphere wherein the mechanisms of conversation, story, and parental instructions transmit the values of the parent to the child. Family meals also create a sense of family identity. Fiese et al. (2006) comment that mealtimes “illustrate family identity and the creation of group membership” (p. 68) so that children understand who they are in the context of their family (i.e., sense of self), what they believe, and why they believe what they believe (if the parents disclose an apologetic rationale).

Family Worship

It is here that I will briefly introduce the concept of family worship. Whitney (2019) asserts, “Having your family in a Christ-exulting, gospel-centered, Bible-teaching local church is crucial to Christian parenting. But it is not enough for conveying to your family all that you want to teach them about God and your beliefs. Moreover, it is unlikely that exposure to the church once or twice a week will impress your children enough with the greatness and glory of God that they will want to pursue him once they leave your house” (p. 14).

Family worship is a topic that can and should be probed far deeper than the treatment of it I offer here, but the basics of family worship include the setting aside time of prayer, Bible reading, and singing with other members of the family so the family can be spiritually nurtured and led to grow more in grace and knowledge of Christ (2 Peter 3:18) through the inward working of the Spirit throughout the sanctification process of those in Christ (2 Thessalonians 2:13).

It may be that for some families, the table is a great place to open with prayer, hymn, or short Scripture passage. Perhaps it is not the best time for your family to have this intentional time of worship. However, with the concept of family worship now salient, it would be worthwhile to consider bits of time where your family can incorporate these spiritual disciplines to honor and further the call of making disciples (Matthew 28:18-20) in your own home, as well as to strengthen the marital bond with your spouse.

Symbolic Power

Values are also passed through mealtime implicitly. Mealtime symbolism flows from symbolic interaction theory which examines the meaning attached to reciprocal interactions within the family. Put differently, “We interpret or attach meanings, situations, roles, and relationships” (Cohen and Strong, 2020, p. 47). These meanings reflect the value structures the family subscribes to and the children inculcate. Fiese et al. (2006) comments, “Mealtimes are replete with symbolism, ranging from the types of blessings said, food served, and even how seats are assigned” (p. 68). 

In these ways, mealtime a the vehicle for implicit value transmission that forms the familial identity and communicates meaning through the significance of symbols. For example, complementarity between husband and wife could be reflected in seating arrangements where the husband sits at the “head” of the table. In a more egalitarian family, seating arrangements may be randomly selected and not hold the same meaning as they do for the complementarian family.

Other aspects of mealtime that are heavily symbolic and value-transmitting include which partner cooks and cleans, the type of things that are appropriate to talk about, the accepted degree of emotional expressiveness, if prayers occur, the content of the prayers, etc. We see that during mealtime, values are modeled, the family is shaped, and the kids absorb the lenses to view the world that parents impart to them.

Conclusion

In sum, family meals matter. They are a sacred time and space set apart for the purposes of connecting with family members, being present with them, listening to them, learning about them, and growing with them. Set a SMART goal to make sure family mealtime occurs, and use the general recommendations mentioned in blog three that will help to foster a positive mealtime no matter the the type of family. Aim for five family meals a week as this is the number researchers deem to be (i.e., operationalize) a consistent mealtime regime (Fishel, 2016, p.515).

It is critical for family meals to be positive, as shared experiences are perceived more intensely. A great mealtime experience will seem even better when it is shared in the presence of family. Even more compelling than this admission are the powerful effects wrought upon the family by consistent, positive meals. Positive family meals necessitate and build greater connection and empathy, mitigate adolescent problem behavior, bolster mental health, increase school performance, and are positively associated with time usage and life satisfaction for fathers with children under 18 years old.

Mealtime is worth the time investment if “one accounts for all the benefits a family derives from it: nourishment, protection from high-risk behaviors, a predictable break each day to decompress, a time to tell stories (Fishel, 2016, p. 517). Furthermore, family meals serve as a time for value transmission and shaping the family. Consider family worship immediately preceding the food. Mealtime maintains and increases family health. Fishel (2015) says, “Most families I see in my psychotherapy practice want to improve communication, strengthen ties, and promote the well-being of their children. While an hour of weekly therapy can be helpful, a nightly commitment to family dinners can be transformative” (p. 8).

Meals matter! May you and your family be blessed as you consider the table as a sacred space, and as you endeavor to live together with sympathy, love, and compassion (1 Peter 3:8) towards one another. Consistently break bread with your family, it will nourish everyone who participates.

References

Cohen, T. F., & Strong, B. (2020). The marriage and family experience: Intimate relationships in a changing society. Cengage Learning.

Fiese, B. H., Foley, K. P., & Spagnola, M. (2006). Routine and ritual elements in family mealtimes: Contexts for child well‐being and family identity. New directions for child and adolescent development, 2006(111), 67-89.

Fishel, A. (2015). Home for dinner: mixing food, fun, and conversation for a happier family and healthier kids. Amacom.

Fishel, A. K. (2016). Harnessing the power of family dinners to create change in family therapy. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 37(4), 514-527.

Kim, S. (2017). Family meal time and life satisfaction of fathers with a child younger than 18 years old. Family and Environment Research, 55(5), 465-480.

Turkle, S. (2016). Reclaiming conversation: The power of talk in a digital age. Penguin.

Whitney, D. S. (2019). Family Worship. Crossway.

The post Why Have Dinner Together as a Family? appeared first on Charis Institute.

Low on Time

A precondition to being concerned about a positive mealtime experience is making sure mealtime occurs in the first place. It is often difficult to have consistent family meals. Family meals require intent to materialize because they take preparation and commitment, which requires time and energy. Time can be hard to come by because people are busy, so much so that professionals have coined the term time famine (Perlow, 1999) to describe a state where time is scarce. Difficulty in trying to find time for something, especially consistently, is an experience that almost anyone can relate to.

These constraints explain why a 2011/2012 National Survey of Children’s Health found only 37% of adolescents from ages 12-17 report six to seven meals each week (as cited in Goldfarb, 2014, p. 1). If you recall from the first blog in this series, Story et al. (2002) revealed that for 80% of American teens, family dinner at home made the list of top activities (as cited in Fishel, 2016, p. 519). There is a clear discrepancy between actual frequency and desired frequency of family meals, especially in the adolescent population. It’s a discrepancy that needs to be resolved.

Behavioral Intentionality

In the hustle and bustle of life, we must slow down to care for others. The intriguing Good Samaritan study by Darley and Batson (1973) displays how paramount it is to slow down in order to show compassion towards another person. In this study, seminary students on their way to lecture about the Good Samaritan Parable (cf. Luke 10:29-37) were placed in different conditions that manipulated the amount of time the seminary student had to get to the location they would be lecturing at.

En route, they passed a bystander in obvious need of help. The empirical data indicated the most predictive factor of whether the seminary student helped the bystander was the seminarian’s level of unhurriedness. That is, the less hurried the seminarian, the more likely they were to help the bystander, despite the fact that the seminarians were literally going to speak on the Good Samaritan parable in which the Samaritan, unlike the priest or Levite (i.e., religious leaders), stops and shows mercy to the incapacitated Jewish man.

Applying this finding to family meals, it is imperative that the family meals have behavioral intentionality- they should be consciously planned time and space set aside for fostering a positive atmosphere, lest the risk of displaying lower levels of compassion, care, and empathy towards family members are increased when the time is rushed. To practically flesh out how to set aside time for family meals, (this doesn’t just serendipitously happen on a consistent basis) we look to Ryan’s (1970) goal setting theory.

SMART Goals

Ryan’s (1970) goal setting theory is the intuitive idea that “conscious goals affect action,” (as cited in Locke and Latham, 2002, p. 705). An apt derivation of goal setting theory is the SMART acronym. MacLeod (2012) details the components of a SMART goal:

Specific- Specificity “brings a much needed practical reality to distinguishing effort from results” and “leaves no doubt exactly what needs to be accomplished” (p. 70). Example questions include: When will we eat together (i.e., Night or Morning?) Which nights/mornings of the week? At what time? What food will we be eating? Who will shop to get the food? Will my proposed meal schedule work with my family’s preexisting time demands and needs? (e.g., Billy has soccer practice from 7:30-9:00 p.m. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday). Who is cooking? Who is cleaning the dishes? Or, are we going out to eat for one of our meals?

Measurable- “Objectives should be quantified so the degree of accomplishment can accurately be measured;” this breeds accountability as “It is much more difficult to avoid accountability when measurement criteria are clear and not subject to interpretation” (p. 70). Example: Our goal is to have dinner four nights a week: Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, one breakfast Saturday morning, and one lunch Sunday.

Achievable- Achievability is key because “If the established objectives are not reasonably achievable with respect to available time, talent and resources, frustration is sure to follow” (p. 70). Example consideration: If you currently do not have meals together consistently, perhaps it is best to shoot for three or four meals a week, rather than five (which is the ideal number you will discover as you keep reading). Build to five or more meals, but don’t be unrealistic when trying to implement a new practice. Be consistent and make mealtime a habit, a family ritual, and rhythm of life. Having some meals together is better than none.

Relevant- MacLeod asserts “The most straightforward way to ensure that objectives are relevant is through prior validation of the relationship between expected outcomes with the intended goals and then to list each objective in writing in their order of priority” (p. 70). The guiding question: How important is it for your family to make mealtime a consistent priority? What types of interactions should be present at the table so that the focus, increasing the family bond of solidarity, is nurtured?

Time Bound- This means that “the objectives are to be accomplished by an agreed-upon point in time” because “Without a predetermined deadline, there is only a general notion about due dates, which in turns generates a less than rigorous pursuit of closure. Where there is only a loose expectation of closure, prioritizations and associated time management requirements are more apt to lack needed discipline” (p. 70). Guiding question: If I want to create a consistent schedule for family mealtime, when will this new schedule be implemented?

SMART Example

Example SMART Goal for mealtime: Our family agrees making family meals a consistent priority in our lives is worthwhile (i.e., Relevant). Starting next Monday (Time Bound), we will have two dinners and one lunch together as a family (Measurable). We will start with having three consistent meals a week (Achievable) because we do not have a consistent mealtime schedule as of now. The meals will be 6:00 p.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and the lunch will be at 1:00 p.m. on Sundays after church (Specific). Bill (i.e., husband) will cook x Tuesday, Sue (i.e., wife) will cook y Thursday, and we will eat out at a restaurant together on Sunday after church* (Specific). In sum, leave as little ambiguity as possible, make the goal realistic, albeit difficult, (Locke and Latham, 2002, p. 706) and make sure it is important to you and your family.

*To be sure, eating at home is much healthier than restaurants as it typically has less calories. This is why “it is not surprising that children who regularly eat family dinners are less likely to be obese” (Fishel, 2016, p. 516). However, there is no reason to think eating out shouldn’t count as a meal with family. The consistent time for connection is the most important ingredient in gaining the effects of mealtime, not whether the meal was eaten at the house or at a restaurant.

Conclusion

Using behavioral intentionality via setting a SMART goal for family meals is a simple, tangible first step to making sure family mealtime occurs. The next blog post will key in on making sure the mealtime experience is a positive one.

References

Darley, J. M., & Batson, C. D. (1973). ” From Jerusalem to Jericho”: A study of situational and dispositional variables in helping behavior. Journal of personality and social psychology, 27(1), 100.

Fishel, A. K. (2016). Harnessing the power of family dinners to create change in family therapy. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 37(4), 514-527.

Goldfarb, S. S. (2014). Three studies on family meals: Examining the predictors of family meals and its impact on adolescent health. The University of Alabama at Birmingham.

Kahneman, D. (1973). Attention and effort (Vol. 1063, pp. 218-226). Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.

Les MacLeod EdD, M. P. H. (2012). Making SMART goals smarter. Physician executive, 38(2), 68.

Locke, E. A., & Latham, G. P. (2002). Building a practically useful theory of goal setting and task motivation: A 35-year odyssey. American psychologist, 57(9), 705.

Perlow, L. A. (1999). The time famine: Toward a sociology of work time. Administrative science quarterly, 44(1), 57-81.

The post Making Family Meals Happen appeared first on Charis Institute.

With SMART goal-setting considerations from blog two now in place, the focus shifts to cultivating a positive mealtime experience. The obvious must be addressed: families are not the same. Some differences between families include a family’s desired frequency of meals, number of children, age of children, food preferences, etc. These factors make the specific details of mealtime time look different across families. Here are a couple general guidelines and considerations that will make for a positive mealtime experience regardless of what your family looks like. All of pointers are derived from Harvard clinical psychologist and family dinner expert Anne Fishel (2016):

*Flexibility:

Be flexible based upon the scheduling needs of your family. Family breakfasts or weekend lunches will confer the same benefits as dinner (p. 520). Notice that I have not used dinnertime, but mealtime throughout the course of the blogs. It is not the meal type, but the quality of the interpersonal connection and conversation which matter (p. 517).

*Meal prep:

Fishel states lack of time “is the most common reason that parents offer for not having family dinners” (p. 517). Her solution is to make double batches, cook lighter meals like a soup and sandwich, and to take shortcuts like buying a rotisserie chicken or pizza dough (p. 517). This strategy will benefit all family types, but may be especially useful for single-parenting.

*Frequency:

Aim for five or more dinners (or just meals) to reap the associated nutritional, emotional, and cognitive benefits of family mealtime (p. 520) that you will read about in blog four.

*Games:

Consider implementing certain games, in light of the ages of your children, that will make the time at the table fun and foster conversation while revealing information about others. Some potential options include rose (i.e., highlight), thorn (i.e., low), and bud (i.e., anticipation), two truths and a lie (or wish), and would you rather (p. 521).

*Stories:

Share stories and family history at the table. Duke et al. (2003) reported that children who know their family stories are more resilient, have higher self-esteem, and a more positive view of the future (as cited in Fishel, 2016, p. 520). Stories also help younger children develop and learn language. Given that new words are usually embedded in stories told at the table, young children learn ten times as many rare words at mealtime as they do from hearing their parents read storybooks aloud (p. 515).

*Getting children to eat:

Fishel lays it out clearly: the more children are engaged in the meal process, (i.e., shopping, cooking, setting the table, cleaning, etc.) the more they are stakeholders in the meal, and the more likely they will be to eat their food (p. 519-520).

*Addressing picky eaters:

Fishel exhorts not to bribe, cajole, or trick through the oft-practiced strategy of offering a reward if the child eats the healthy food (p. 518). As Galloway, Fiorita, Francis, and Birch (2006) note, the desire for the reward food (i.e., junk food) will increase while the desire for the target healthy food will decrease (as cited in Fishel, 2016, p. 518). An example of this practice is when the child is offered a cookie in exchange for eating their broccoli. Furthermore, Maimaran and Fishback, 2016) describe the danger of telling a child that the target food will lead to increase in x (e.g., “eating that asparagus will make you run faster for basketball”). The danger is that if kids assume the target food (i.e., asparagus) is good for one benefit like increased speed for basketball, it can’t be good for the other, like tasting good (as cited in Fishel, 2016, p. 518). Parents can model their own enjoyment of the food, encourage tactile play with the food, and increase familiarity with novel foods to increase the likelihood the food will be eaten by the picky eater (p. 518). For example, Coulthard and Thakker (2015) discovered that “children who play with their food are less likely to have food aversions;” an example of this type of tactile play is “smearing oil on vegetables before roasting” (as cited in Fishel, 2016, p. 518). Sullivan and Birch (1990) uncovered the rule of 15, “children crave familiarity, so nutritionists offer the rule of 15: keep presenting a new food up to 15 times until it is no longer novel” (p. 518).

*Focus on the Atmosphere:

Try to foster a positive, amiable atmosphere as much as possible. Fishel says, “The benefits of family dinner depend on a warm and welcoming atmosphere at the table, and the secret sauce that explains most of the benefits comes from the conversation at the table” (p. 517). In other words, this atmosphere is necessary for reaping all the benefits that you will read about in the next blog post.

Conclusion

Families are different. Therefore, what makes a mealtime a successful, positive experience in one family is not the same as it may be for another family. Nonetheless, the above are general guidelines that will help to foster a positive environment for mealtime which, coupled with consistency, constitute the most important elements of mealtime. In turn, this positive mealtime experience will strengthen the bonds within the family and make the family a stronger unit overall.

If you would like some awesome resources for recipe ideas, games for the table, navigating the specifics of technology at the table, and the dynamics different ages bring to the table, consider this resource:

The Family Dinner Project: The Family Dinner Project – The Family Dinner Project

References

Fishel, A. K. (2016). Harnessing the power of family dinners to create change in family therapy. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 37(4), 514-527.

The post Ingredients for Breaking Bread as a Family appeared first on Charis Institute.

Why do Meals Matter?

Barry Jones (2015) opens his article, “The Dinner Table as a Place of Connection, Brokenness, and Blessing,” with N.T. Wright’s insightful observation about the Last Supper, “When Jesus himself wanted to explain to his disciples what his forthcoming death was all about, he didn’t give them a theory, he gave them a meal” (para. 4). The point here is that sharing a meal with another person is simple, yet riddled with an ineffable profundity and uniqueness because it is such a powerful experience. In the context of family life, meals that are eaten together have immense value because they can nurture sacred bonds of fellowship within the family. In fact, family meals are like a thermometer that measures the health of the family. Roberts (1988) views family meals as a microcosm of how the family organizes, communicates, and connects to one another (as cited in Fishel, 2016, p. 519). In addition to the functional benefits of mealtime, children desire shared meals. Despite the common myth that teenagers don’t want to spend time with their family, Story et al. (2002) found that for 80% of American teenagers, eating dinner at home made their list of top activities (as Cited in Fishel, 2016, p. 519). In the scope of family life, few places are more important than the table. Therefore, creating a positive mealtime experience is consequential and has monumental importance for the health of a family. This blog, the first of a four-part series about family meals, discusses the powerful metaphor of a sacred space that frames what family meals are. Understanding this metaphor is the foundational component to actualizing successful, positive mealtime experiences, as well as making sure they occur in the first place.

The Power of Shared Experiences

Before we dig in, there is one more reason you should care about how mealtime goes (assuming you have them consistently; if not, see blog two). Shared experiences are experienced more intensely. This phenomena is named the Amplification Hypothesis and was discovered when Boothby et al. (2014) conducted a fascinating study where the researchers gave participants the same chocolate in two different experimental conditions. In the first condition, participants shared the experience of eating chocolate with another person. In the second condition, participants ate the chocolate in the presence of another person who was distracted. The researchers found differing perceptual experiences between the two conditions: the group that shared the chocolate with another person rated it as tastier and more likeable than those who ate in the presence of the distracted person. The researchers also found the inverse relationship, that negative experiences, (i.e., bitter chocolate) when shared with another person, were perceived as worse. It is thus self-evident how critical it is that the shared experience at the table be positive.

Mealtime as a Sacred Space

Understanding the correct metaphor for mealtime is crucial for ensuring they occur and that they are positive experiences because metaphors “structure how we perceive, what we think, and what we do” (Lakoff and Johnson, 2003, p. 4). Mealtime should be conceptualized as a consecrated space, that is, a space and time intentionally set apart for the purposes of minimizing distractions, facilitating quality conversations, and enjoying the presence of one another. It should feature a safe, nurturing, and empathic environment that makes commonplace authentic and vulnerable conversations wherein the other members of the family actively listen to the person speaking. Mealtime is a sacred space. This metaphor, of course, represents mealtime idealistically. Although mealtime will inevitably fail to go as planned from time to time, this metaphor emphasizes its importance, helps parents frame what mealtime should be, orients them to the type of environment and specific types of behaviors that should be present, and provides an impetus for making mealtime happen while increasing the likelihood that it is a positive experience. It also provides a benchmark of evaluation for current mealtime experiences for the family. One implication that flows from the sacred space metaphor is the necessity of mitigating distractions. If experiences are to be disclosed, empathy present, another’s presence enjoyed, and the listening members attentive, distractions must be minimized.

Minimize Distractions

            In our current cultural moment, this admission brings the relationship between cell phones and the table into the forefront of our discussion. Cell phones are distracting at the table. To be clear, it is possible to make good use of phones at the table, but everyone must operate under the same technological etiquette. Some families completely ban phones, others only use them to share text, emails, or pictures with each other, while different families use them to settle factual disagreements (Fishel, 2016, p. 518). Nonetheless, it is impossible to replace quality interpersonal, familial interactions, and the mere presence of a cell phone decreases the quality of conversation and empathy amongst participants according to the I-Phone Effect (Mirsa et al., 2016).

Kahneman’s (1973) cognitive capacity theory elucidates this phenomena. Simply put, if we try to give our attention to too many things at once, we become overloaded. Attention is a cognitive resource, so whatever we direct our attention to becomes part of the load on our cognitive capacity, which is like a pie. When we direct our attention at something, it takes a piece of the pie, which leaves less of the attentional pie to distribute to other activities. When cell phones are present at the table, attention is directed primarily towards the phone and away from the conversation. In other words, the person is distracted and must shift the brunt of their attentional resources between phone and conversation, reducing the quality of the conversation, connection with the family, and subsequent empathy displayed towards the other member because the experience is not truly being shared. This experience is not truly shared because the phone user is not being present for the others with their mind, which makes it difficult for them to be present emotionally for the others. Similar to the chocolate study, distraction detracts from the intensity, and in this case enjoyment, of the perceived meal experience. Give your family as much of your attention as you can at the sacred space of the table! They deserve it!

References

Boothby, E. J., Clark, M. S., & Bargh, J. A. (2014). Shared experiences are amplified.         Psychological science, 25(12), 2209-2216.

Fishel, A. K. (2016). Harnessing the power of family dinners to create change in family therapy.     Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 37(4), 514-527.

Jones, B. (2015). The Dinner Table as a Place of Connection, Brokenness and Blessing. DTS Magazine.

Kahneman, D. (1973). Attention and effort (Vol. 1063, pp. 218-226). Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.

Lakoff, G., & Johnson, M. (2008). Metaphors we live by. University of Chicago press.

Misra, S., Cheng, L., Genevie, J., & Yuan, M. (2016). The iPhone effect: The quality of in-person social interactions in the presence of mobile devices. Environment and Behavior, 48(2), 275-298.

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This video by our friends at the University of Denver communicates important principles of dating in the first year. A new dating relationship can feel amazing! You can feel like soul mates. Perhaps you feel in your heart that God has sent you “the one.” You start spending all your time together. You enjoy so many of the same things, and find yourself coming to enjoy the things that your soulmate loves to do. Your body’s hormones are all about bonding- oxytocin, norepinephrine and dopamine

But this video introduces the idea that you shouldn’t “lock yourself in” with cell phone contracts, loans, rent and mortgages with someone until you have spent enough time with them to have some fights, be around each other when you are sick, spend time with their friends and family, really get to know the person in a deeper way– for months to a year or longer.

So we encourage some patience, some wisdom, some thoughtfulness. Before you get into a contract or adopt that dog together. Do you want the same things? Are you both thinking about the long haul or is this roommates for now without considering a 5 or 10+ year plan? Do you have values that work together? Does the person have character qualities that make for a good mate like humility, other-orientation, and forgiving?

Watch this video about the Relationship DUI- Decisions Under the Influence

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The recent outbreak of Coronavirus might have your children demonstrating more fears. How can we help our children face their fears? This blog post from our friends at Growth and Giggles may be helpful for your family.

A Rule of Thumb: Take children’s fear as a very real event for them, even if what they are afraid of doesn’t exist (e.g. a monster under the bed). A monster may not be real; but the fear is.

In looking at the brain developing according to age, a preschooler does not have the logic of an adult. Therefore, using logic to talk them out of their fears will not work. This is where compassion and comfort come in. For instance, in the scenario of walking across a slotted bridge with narrow cracks, as long as a child can see through the cracks, they think they will fall through. (Some children may be oblivious to this.) An appropriate response when the child is afraid would be to pick them up and carry them, not try to reason with them about the slots.

In very non-scientific terms, this is what happens when a child is afraid:

They are not in their frontal lobe, which is the reasoning/decision part of the brain. They are not thinking. They are just emoting. They have downshifted into the brain’s limbic system, then to the brain stem, which is no thinking at all. It may become a “fight or flight” scenario for them. 

The brain stem is where they will be with huge amounts of stress hormones and no thought present. So, it would be inappropriate to ask, “What were you thinking?!” This description is not a 100% accurate representation of the physiology, but it is a simplified way to picture what is happening. 

When you have a child who is not thinking but only emoting:

1. Dr. Becky Bailey recommends taking a technique of putting a hand on their shoulder and saying, “I’m here. You’re not alone. Let’s breathe together.” She works with programs for emotionally challenged children.
2. Dr. Bailey then recommends bringing humor in. (Never use mocking or put-down humor. This only does damage and brings about shame.) If they are in their limbic system, saying something off-the-wall may bring them back to thinking again. An elementary age child who has been sent with a coupon to get a certain type of dog food, which turns out to not be stocked, gets so upset they throw a tantrum. The mother could respond by saying, “If we give Rex cat food, will he say meow?” The child may stop the tantrum and ask, “Really?!” (This works with older children.)
3. With younger children, bringing humor in may or may not work. More often, cuddles and humming or singing calms them. It triggers the brain to remember the words and start thinking instead of emoting. Any associations to bedtime or naptime songs may calm them still more. If the child is screaming, they may be too loud to hear the singing or humming. (Kirby has tried and failed at this.) Don’t try to “shush” them, unless you are louder than the child. 

Sometimes when we are afraid it turns to anger. These techniques may work. If it’s not frustration, but more of an “I didn’t get my own way” or an “I want attention” tantrum, do not respond in these ways.

A young child won’t be able to tell you. The adult will need to think outside the current moment, to think about the big picture circumstances in their wider life. If the child has been through a trauma, we should think about whether we need to look for outside help. School counselors as well as parents can be better equipped by reading. (Here is a recommended reading: How to Talk so Kids will Listen.)

Here is what NOT to say:

• Just grow up.
• Stop it.

Here is what NOT to do:

• Throw a tantrum to get the child to stop. (This is mocking.)
• Bribery, offering them a treat. This creates an emotional attachment to food and teaches cause and effect: tantrum = treat!

The main thing is that at the end of the tantrum, when the dust has settled, give lots of love, warmth, and affection. Let the child know they have not lost your love or affection. You can say, “I will always love you, and that will never stop.”

About the authors: Kirby Worthington has a masters in Child Development and has led workshops and written two books in child development from a Christian perspective. Christen Hansel is a mom of 2, she’s a believer in gentleness, empathy, and each mom finding her own balance between expert advice and personal mommy-intuition. Their website is www.growthandgiggles.com

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